Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Big whine break

Pain is part of my everyday existence.

I suffer from chronic pain. It resides primarily in my neck and hips, and I also often have pain in my shoulders and lower back. I sometimes have shooting pains in both arms and legs.

I have mild scoliosis. Some doctors have told me my pain is muscular damage only. Others say it is in my head. Most give me a fibromyalgia diagnosis.

I have been in 6 car accidents, fallen down stairs twice and had a C-section without a working epidural. Of course I have some back pain, right?

I have experienced minor pain relief from various things: hot bath, deep tissue massage, physical therapy, pain meds, Thai massage, muscle relaxers, pilates. I have tried Western medicine and Eastern medicine. I've changed my diet. I've changed my pillow.

This past year I really thought I had pieced together a plan that helped make my chronic pain tolerable. I started seeing a physical therapist twice a week, did pilates once or twice a week and had a massage every other week. I am not an exercise person so this was major for me to commit to this plan.

For awhile it was working great. I actually had good days some days.

About 3 months ago, I eliminated one physical therapy session and added working out at home with a trainer for an hour twice a week.

About a month ago, my pain increased again.

Today I did not have one hour that was pain free.

And I found myself annoyed with Miss CC. That is not like me. I normally am very patient with her. Tonight I was annoyed by her always tickling me, talking disrespectfully, asking for treats over and over, putting off bedtime.

I did not yell at her, but I was obviously annoyed and she sensed it and cried. I hugged her and reassured her, but the damage was done.

So now I am in severe pain AND FEEL GUILTY!

1 comment:

jen w. said...

Remember that book you sent me? The one that ever so gently reminds us that we are not perfect? That focuses on forgiving ourselves...don't make me send it back to you, my friend. {{{HUGS}}}